iscribblings

Charting life's circuitous path


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Scratched Lenses

“Merry Christmas!” says a smiling face as I take my packet I bought for a good friend. The carefully chosen doll was weighed against the other items in the shop and had won out by a cuteness factor of ten.  It was so cute, I was tempted to keep it myself.  🙂 My startled gaze creates an odd juxtaposition with the presents in my arms.  While I obviously had Christmas on the mind, I didn’t seem to have wholly absorbed the fact that Christmas was, in fact, only 2 days away.  Mind and body or even mind and mind do not always align.

Camera360_2014_12_23_052954_jpgWe’re spending our holidays at my in-laws in a country not my own.  Everything is lovely, familiar and new.  We’ve visited a few times now, but this is the first time where I’ve felt confident about going out on my own and exploring the town.  The winding roads that dead-end, the narrow sidewalks and magically appearing cars around corners no longer frighten me like the times past.  Striding down the street purposefully made me feel more like I was at home than most anything else.

Camera360_2014_12_23_053533_jpgJet-lag means tiredness and odd wake-up times, but it also means a giant hammer striking against your fragile self-esteem.  Inadequacies are hard things to ignore when your rose tinted glasses are scratched blind.

But they’re so much easier to deal with when you’re able to breathe and take them off for a bit.  The world is full of bumps and slight dips but nature and people have a way of filling them in with color, life and novelty.  When we’re running about our day-to-day lives we miss the details.  The things we do notice, ripped up roads, piles of leaves and broken verges are usually taken with a cringe, a frown and a general air of obstruction.  What ought to be beautiful, our own lives, are relegated to the mundane and chore-list of life.

And the only thing I can do is remind myself to lift the scratched lenses from my eyes.

Camera360_2014_12_22_074327_jpgAnd finally see.

Camera360_2014_12_22_074123_jpgIf only for a bit.


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Abundantly alive

I made the long trip back from my brother’s house alone this time, what with my hubby’s new weekend schedule prohibiting him from coming to family gatherings.  Armed with only an mp3 player, but thankfully minus the floating soccer ball balloon mistakenly not tied down in the back seat, I drove the hour plus distance with my thoughts half on the road but mostly on my nephews and my grandmother.

My oldest nephew was celebrating his big 5.  He’s tall for his age and still insists on being tilted upside down whenever he sees us. He’ll hold his arms out with a huge smile and ask to be “upside down.”  Being the pushovers we are, we always cave in.  This time he still wanted to be flipped and swung, but he held on for dear life all the while laughing.  All of my reassurances that I had him and that he could let go fell on laughing ears as he tilted and clung.

Another sign he’s getting older.

slippers

I remember back when I was shocked to find that being lifted by my armpits HURT.  I didn’t want to believe it at first, since being lifted and swung made me feel like a feather, so I surely could still do it.  Nope.  Ever since that first painful lift, I would never know what it would be like to be picked up and tossed about by someone I trusted to hold on and not let go.  It’s a memory that keeps me lifting and swinging my nephew as often as he wants for as long as he’s able.

When I used to teach, I would show my students a clip of a Hovis bread commercial from the 70s.  It featured a “rustic” voice talking about the old days when he used to ride his bike to the baker’s and be given a slice of Hovis sandwich bread.  I chose this clip because for many American ears, the accent of the speaker made his words almost indiscernible.  I would ask them what they thought he said and many either didn’t understand a single word, or a few would try to puzzle out a couple that they had caught.

I would then show them the same clip but with subtitles.  It was amazing.  Almost immediately everyone’s faces brightened with understanding.  After a third viewing without the subtitles, most could follow along.

Never again, I would tell them, would this clip be as puzzling as that first time.  Never again would they feel that sense of confusion, newness and uncertainty.  If they were ever to see this commercial again, which we all agreed was unlikely, they’d know what was being said and their response to it would be different than that first time.  And for many, those initial feelings would be replaced.

Because they had learned it.

playmat

Learning can be attributed to books and schools, but we “learn” all the time.  My nephew’s growing knowledge that being tipped could be dangerous or that it might be uncomfortable shows as he clings to my neck with a death grip.

My grandmother with her memory gaps relearns and in a way relives a moment many times over.  I watched her with sadness as she repeatedly picked up a quilting book and flipped through it like it was the first time.  I watched her face smile as she happily ate her pizza and asked if there was a place near her.  I answered like it was the first time, even after the eighth or ninth time, but I could feel an ache.  It was as if her learning and my nephew’s learning were different.  Since she was in her 80s, I felt as if she had lost something and each repeated question drilled it in even further.  However, with my 5 year old nephew, he had a whole life to experience so his learning felt full of possibility.

But on my way home, I realized that I was wrong.

Just like with my nephew, every experience for her is a new one.  The concept of gain and lost shouldn’t belittle the fact that both are living now – more so than most of us, including me.  I could, for example, do the drive without hardly thinking – taking the right exits, merging with traffic, watching my lane.  It was all automatic.  Life in a lot of ways, is automatic.  We wake, we do our daily tasks and we go to bed.  This doesn’t mean it isn’t enjoyed, hubby and I can dissolve into a fit of giggles or get sucked into a good discussion between all of that routine, but it isn’t lived in the same way.  Things aren’t new, they lack that sparkle, that eye-opening first time-ness, that both my nephew and my grandmother experience daily.

The sadness I felt was for something that she could never attain again.  But while she might have lost the ability to retain memories, she’s gained the ability to live and relive in that moment, just like my nephew.

Something, I have to be honest, I wish I could say for myself.