My Update: I’ve noticed a couple of things this weekend.
- I love to eat sweets on the weekends with my hubby. It makes our weekend enjoyable and special. It also means that my calorie count is a bit higher come weekends versus during the week. There’s something about sweets and the hubby that makes me let loose. And I like that. 🙂
- Since I have a low calorie count all week, I don’t feel too bad about the high count days during the weekend. Then again, I also know that I can hop onto the bike and work off some of it with a few routines even if it’s already 10 pm and I’m tired.
- Perhaps this inclination to bike it off isn’t quite as healthy as it sounds . . .
iChallenge Week 34 Topic: Keeping Perspective
At the moment, I’m in the middle of scanning in old childhood pictures for archival. In these pics, I’m perhaps 5 or 6 and in none of them am I overweight. I’m downright skinny, actually. Happily, I don’t remember much about how I viewed my body at this time. I just remember loving to run around and be a tomboy.
Now, I often think to myself that I’ve never been at a happy weight my entire life. Memories that are more recent and easily accessible dominant and taint my body. I remember fitting into clothes 6 times the size of what I wear now and regularly eating burritos and fried fries. I cringe at how I used to blame my body for all my social ills. These more painful thoughts overshadow the carefree and life-loving times I must have enjoyed as a child.
This weekend someone told me that I was “wasting away”. I’ve heard various themes on this such as “there’s nothing left” and “you don’t have a stomach”. Neither of these statements are said with malice since they are from people that care about my welfare. However, having said that, I was a bit taken aback when the word “wasting” was used. Was I really wasting away? Was that how people saw me? Like I was diseased or sick?
One of my goals for ELB is to fall back in love with my body – to begin seeing it as something to love rather than despise.
Hearing that I was “wasting away” made me think that I wasn’t treating my body well. Perhaps I was overdoing things? Perhaps I had miscalculated how healthy I really was and instead I was letting my distorted body image rule my decisions?
This really bothered me. I thought about it from many different angles, but no matter how I viewed it, the end product seemed negative.
I didn’t have anything to say to the person in response. I could have made a really strong comment or pushed it aside with a bit of wit. As it was, I just stood there with a half-smile frozen on my face, mind stuck in slush trying to comprehend what I was hearing.
And there I was, really happy about my weight for the first time since I was waist high. I had just stepped off the scale that morning beaming from ear to ear – I was at a weight that I would like to maintain.
I have movability and forgiveness on the scale that I’ve never had before. I fit into clothes that I’ve never dreamed I could wear, and I walk with confidence rather than with shame. I still enjoy exercising, but I’ve found a pattern and frequency that gives me a level of fitness that’s easy to maintain and keeps me fit.
In a way, I’m glad I didn’t confront the person about their comment. I don’t think I was in a position to fully appreciate where I was with my weight. I was definitely happy, but I didn’t have a clear idea of what that happiness entailed until I was faced with the negative side of the coin. The comment forced me to think about where I was and how I viewed myself.
And wasting away was far from it.
More whole than I had ever been before in my life.
If given the chance, that’s what I would say back.