Broaden your knowledge. It is necessary to polish your own path.
~ Musashi The Book of Five Rings
As some of you know, I’m in the midst of an inner search that has taken me from my old job of eight years to other places that have been both scary and rewarding. I’m in a bit of a limbo at the moment – filling my days with chores, baking ideas and general-ness that makes me feel both useful and creative. One thing I’m not doing right now, however, is earning any money. Even though my mother didn’t earn outside the home during my childhood, I grew up with the firm belief that I would. This girl was going to go out and do something with her life. This girl would, at the very least, make some money.
This girl, as it turns out, has begun sputtering from time to time. She’s not totally stalled out, but she’s not a 2011 Porsche either – more like a 1980 Pinto 😉 .
I thought that I had pretty much come to terms with everything until I received an email requesting re-employment at my old job for the Fall Semester. Suddenly all of those little voices in my head began whispering “now you can help out with the bills”, “maybe it’s a good idea to keep the connections” and (the most devious of all) “perhaps it will be different this time” with a tenacity like mosquitoes at a picnic.
So, since I’m a hardcore list maker, I set out to swat those annoying thoughts and get something down that’s more useful.
Here are the positives of returning:
- make money for bills and Christmas
- get back to “doing” something more than just household stuff that I do anyway
- take the chance that this semester actually WILL be different
- it’s only for 4 months
Here are the positives for continuing on my journey:
- I might get a position at my hubby’s workplace in the near future (something I wouldn’t be able to do if I took up the proffered position)
- I might get a position elsewhere
- I won’t have to stress out and work overtime for no extra pay
- I can cook more sweets (okay, so that one isn’t so important, although my hubby might beg to differ…)
Both lists have some pretty hefty items that touch on different dynamics. On the one hand there’s the immediate (bills, stress, time) and on the other there’s the long-term (new job, sense of self, change in approach).
Here’s another list for kicks.
How I Felt About Where I Am Before I Received The Job Email:
- pretty happy, actually. considering going back to doing more art
- a bit nervous about bills and such (Christmas is never too far away to start worrying about)
- just chilling until something comes along or I return to the “new” job I had in the spring
- hopeful that hubby’s company does open up the job for me – would be really neat to do!
- relieved I wasn’t actually doing my old job. in fact, I was just telling my mom the other weekend that I don’t have tense shoulders like I used to.
Huh. That’s actually really interesting. I just wrote out that list and it took me by surprise. When I read the email, I was immediately swamped by all of the old, uncertain thoughts that I had forgotten how I really felt about my current situation. Maybe I’ve just answered my own doubts! 😀 Perhaps I’ll keep on keeping on after all.
(Or maybe. . .)