iscribblings

Charting life's circuitous path

Losing Hope Early On Isn’t My Style

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For I, everyone, am looking for a job.  I am one of the thousands out there with my best suit on and a smile at the ready.  And while I haven’t written as many resumes as others, I am creating a beautiful collection of various resumes specially tailored to each job posting that catches my fancy.

My parents can’t quite grasp why I’m putting myself through this.  I had a job.  It didn’t pay well (adjunct teaching pays peanuts for the amount of work you do and the abuse you take), but I had a job.  I even had a job offer at another university for Winter quarter.  I could have taken said job.  In fact, I could have confidently applied to most universities and have been requested to work for them in that term.   And I’m not just being arrogant (okay, maybe a bit). So, why drop the hat and go looking for something else?  Why pick a time of job insecurity and job loss when I had a good thing going?

Because I wasn’t happy anymore.

That, folks, means a lot to me.  I want to be happy.  Not in the “it’s sunny outside, today!” type of way, but in the deep-in-your-bones type of happiness that comes from existing and doing something I think is right for me.  My job wasn’t giving that for me anymore.  I am open to the fact that it might do so again, but right now and right then, it wasn’t (and this wasn’t a case of a bad day – it had been building for years).  This was a clear signal to me to change what wasn’t making me happy into something that can and should.

I do have to admit that sometimes I feel guilty for dropping my job and embarking on this seemingly selfish quest for the “happy” job.  Others are struggling along in their jobs without relief and more still would be happy just to have a job.  Is it right for me to drop one I held and did well just to make myself “happy”?  Was I succumbing to the self-centered notions that many think have over-ridden society? (Btw, type self-centered society into Google and you’ll get what I mean and then some.)  Was it like rubbing it in their faces that I could do such a thing but they couldn’t?

When I’m feeling a bit discouraged, these thoughts plague me.  I worry and think about going back to my old job.  I fret that I’m not contributing to the household funds due to my “selfish” desire.

Then my husband gives me a hug and tells me that he backs up my decision 100%. 🙂 And that is what calms all of my doubts.  This job hunt is not just about landing a job.  This job hunt is about fulfilling an area in my life that was hiding, scared behind self-doubt and self-hatred.  I want to coax that sprite back out again and give her life and happiness.  I want to be happy and I will be happy no matter how long it takes me to get there.

Alice Bradley wrote a blog post on Finslippy talking about being “too happy” and what that actually meant.  I’ve found myself playing the caution card when applying for jobs and I’m going to try to be more conscious of it from now on.  Go read it!

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Author: iscribbler

A girl scribbling her way through health, love, food and life.

One thought on “Losing Hope Early On Isn’t My Style

  1. Pingback: An interview and a supportive biscuit. | iscribblings

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