The morning greeted us with snow coated limbs and pillowy piles. The winter storm of the night before was more like a lamb and left us with a lot of fluff and little in the way of a roar. These kinds of storms I can file away in my slim folder of “good winters”. Storms that bring long calls with insurance companies and rental car employees are less worth filing, but are somehow, unfortunately, more “memorable”.
A year has fluttered past with little heed to my own desire that it stay a bit and have a cup of tea. Instead, it’s packed up, shuffled on and in sweeps a new year for all of us to get used to, again. I’ve been thinking about the passing year, like most, and had come to the conclusion that, well, not much had happened. The previous year seemed full of excitement – my health improved, I reached weight goals I didn’t know were possible for me, and I was finally getting a handle on what made my life live.
So, in a way, this year felt a bit ho-hum.
Until I came across this list that I had made sometime earlier this year pinned to my refrigerator underneath other clippings.
I made that list because I had begun to slid. Just a little. Perhaps around our vacation in April, or earlier. Whenever it was, I wanted to keep on the path, so I came up with a list that, looking at it now, seems a bit stark. Note the huge “NO” at the top. It reads more like a prescriptive plan from my doctor than anything I could really follow or want to.
These kinds of lists are designed for failure. Telling yourself “NO” will only make it worse when you ultimately cave and sneak a donut for breakfast on Wednesday. Setting allowances is a good step, but setting absolutes can lead to guilt, avoidance, and an unhealthy relationship with food and with your own desires. Perhaps that’s why this list was all but forgotten under other bits and bobs.
If taken verbatim, yes, I failed this list.
If I looked at how I’ve incorporated this list into my own life, then I won. I don’t eat donuts except for special occasions, and I only buy them from our favorite donut shop. I have stopped eating cereal from the soup bowl and instead, I’ve easily transitioned to the smaller dessert bowls. I don’t eat snacks at work, but apple slices and half a homemade granola bar, if hungry. I eat only one slice of pizza and no more.
I do, however, drink my mochas and I thoroughly enjoy them. Especially when they’re paired with a chewy cookie or a slice of cake and topped with marshmallows. Yes, I do eat baked goods during the week, but I’ve learned this year to portion size – our cakes and pies provide 12 slices rather than 8 and we eat a couple cookies rather than half the batch. I’ve embraced sugar as my drug of choice, but I want to keep it recreational.
In a lot of ways, I’ve been successful with the resolutions I set for myself last year. I’ve found a bit more balance with diet, exercise and life. I’ve discovered that I can do things I’ve never dreamed I could, and that success isn’t always dependent on what happens at the end. I’ve been less hateful of myself – to the point where whole days or even weeks will go by without me hating some body part.
I’ve yet to discover my career path. I know that my current career is more of a pit-stop and I really need to face my fears. I’ve yet to shrug off the anxiety that the weight will all come back (and then some). I also need to focus more on the now and less on the emotions driving me through my days. So much is lost as I allow myself to be swept along by my feelings.
So, here’s to 2013. May you be bright. May you be happy. And may you be fulfilling.
(image from Pinterest)